Don’t wash your hair in the shower it will make you fat!!

fat-man-shower

Don’t wash your hair in the shower

It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT WARNING TO US ALL!!!

Shampoo Warning!
I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very
clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
“FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering
with Dawn dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads,
“DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
Problem solved!

If I don’t answer the phone I’ll be in the shower!

GOP Contemplates Psychological Intervention as Obama’s ADHD Revealed!

obama-spikes-football

From The Spoof.com 

Friday, 18 September 2009

image for GOP Contemplates Psychological Intervention as Obama's ADHD Revealed!
Sonia Sotomayor Replaces Tom DeLay on Dancing with Starts while Supreme Court Ponders Obama Replacement for ‘mental disor

Washington, DC/ Walter Reed Army Hospital/ Top Secret Medical Update – Political Pundits throughout the nation’s capitol huddled in small groups and spoke in whispers discussing a top secret medical report leaked by Joe Biden, confirming what everyone long suspected: The President has ADHD!

Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) first appears in childhood, and in many cases continues unabated into adulthood with disturbing results.

More and more Politicians, on both side of the aisle, are now pointing their fingers at the former Democratic National Party (DND) Chairman, Howard Dean, and wondering how Obama got through the vetting process, with this well documented personality disorder.

A brief investigation by a 15 year old journalism student, Misty Petersen, and her 17 year old film maker boyfriend Frankie Sylvester, soon discovered the deeply hidden secret.

Posing as prospective transfer students, the duo traveled to Indonesia, New York and Cambridge, Massachusetts, and were able to talk freely with Admissions Officers at the institutions.

Through a mixture of guile and winning personalities they were able to get a glimpse of Obama’s transcripts and educational files which confirmed that the President had long suffered from ADHD, an affliction that made it all but impossible to graduate from any of the schools without significant effort on his behalf by ‘sponsors’ that were willing to aid in his ‘special education.’

Following up on their preliminary investigations they were able to track down several surviving ‘educational surrogates’ still living, who when questioned admitted to sitting in for the President during the many written tests he was required to take and pass.

None of the fraudulent test takers showed any remorse for their action.
“Hell,” one said, ” you all know how the Kennedys got through these schools,
what’s the big ‘Freakin’ deal, are you going to turn this into a ‘Racist’ Thing?”

A spokesman for the Vice President said he regretted his action regarding the ‘outing’ of the President, but it was for the ‘good of the nation’

Speaking off the record, a high ranking staff member, who was not authorized to discuss Presidential Mental Disorders said,” All the symptoms were there and it was only a matter of time before the Press picked up on it and it would be too late to intervene!”

Amongst the symptoms are Poor Time Management, Indecision, Difficulty in Organizing Details, Avoidance of Tasks that need attention , Difficulty in Multi-tasking, Procrastination and a need to receive ‘constant and high stimulation.’

Results of the symptoms often result in the Subject falling into the use of amphetamines and when challenged about his decision making process, often results in LYING and PREVARICATION.

Backing up the diagnosis is a long list of the President’s erratic actions over the 9 short months he’s been in office.

Calling it “classic” ADHD, the report highlights the Presidents inability to stay in the Oval Office and organize an answer to any of the Nation’s pressing problems. His inability to manage even the simplest of tasks has led to his appointment of 43 Czars, his solution to managing complex problems.

His narcissistic inability to stay away from TV cameras, the report cites his five (5) Sunday interviews scheduled for this weekend, indicate this frantic behavior is on the verge of getting out of control.

ADHD also can lead to Dyslexia, and for the first time staffers understand why the President has all his Teleprompters loaded backwards, and the fact he can’t read the bills he signs unless they are upside down and sideways.

In order to preserve the security of the country, the head of the Joint Chief of Staff, Admiral John “Salty” Calamari, has taken charge of the briefcase containing the codes to unleash the Presidents Unmanned Explosive Drones, better known in The Spoof as ‘Czar Bombs’.

“It’s a serious step,” Calamari said, “but it’s for his own good in the long run, and better for the country. We can’t have him running around blowing up his this nation because he’s petulant!”

The Supreme Court has been called into session and hope they can hear the case on succession if they can get a quorum. It seems that the new Justice, the Latin Evita, Sonia Sotomayor hasn’t found her office yet, as she has been seen on U Tube practicing for her debut for “Dancing with the Stars” in a well known UK pub, ‘The Oasis Bar & Grill’ frequented by many Spoofers.

A spokesman for the Judge released a statement which said simply, “I’m sure a Latino woman would make a far better contestant than some old washed up Republican Hack!”

Former Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, originally penciled in as a contestant was unavailable for comment as he was in the hospital after a recent mugging outside a Salsa Restaurant where he was knee capped and had to withdraw from the competition.

Make Morse’s day – give this story five thumbs-up (there’s no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Uncyclopedia Attention Deficit Disorder

adhd tatoo

Attention Deficit Disorder

Kid1.gif JUST CALM DOWN!
This page needs to calm the fuck down, now!

“You Have AD-Fucking D”

Typical Mother on her children

“My fairytale is done, OH LOOK A MOUSE! HABERDASHERY!”

~ the Grimm Brothers on ADD

“We are all to ADD, subtract, and…ooh look! My quantum physics book (Part II)!”

Einstein on ADD

“Why isn’t this thing focused?”

~ Gizmodo on ADHD tv’s

“Wait, what?”

Oscar Wilde on ADD

Corn fields in southern Nebraska. When I was 11 years old, my Grandfather died in Oklahoma and we had to drive there from Utah for the funeral. Nebraska was really boring, because we’d used all the Mad Libs by the time we got there… OMG! A Plane in the sky. No, I am not wearing any underwear, thank you very much. Jesus I am so hungry. My dog is getting on my nerves, and so are you.

“Hello, I suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder and… PRETTY BUTTERFLY!@!@!@!@!”

~ ADD Sufferer on Attention Deficit Disorder/Pretty Butterflies
Nuvola apps important.svg Article written in the style of its subject
This article is funny because it is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are an ignorant cultural philistine who does not recognise this without explanation. If you still do not find the article funny, that is probably because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. If you hadn’t been so ignorant, then you wouldn’t have needed to have the joke explained to you in the first place.

 

Attention Deficit Disorder also called ADD or ADHD since they’re basically the same thing, is a serious mental illness that affects millions of people and did you see 24 last night? Bauer was on the helicopter landing skid and was all, “I’m not gonna let you blow up that bomb!” and he was all pow-pow-pow! and the pilot was like “Oh dude don’t shoot me! I loved your dad in McCabe & Mrs. Miller!” and Bauer was all like, “That was Warren Beatty, raghead!”

Sorry, what was I saying? Oh, right, ADD is wicked bad, and it makes life a bitch for people, kind of like how cancer affects a lot of people. Only cancer kills people. Like my uncle. My uncle wasn’t killed by cancer though. He was killed in ‘Nam back in the 70s. He really liked disco music, like the Bee Gees. “Stayin’ Alive” was his favorite song, which I guess is kind of ironic. It was in that movie “Saturday Night Fever”, which I suppose is probably a totally different illness. I think I had Saturday Night Fever once, but the VD clinic gave me a penicillin shot, at least he told me it was penicilin, but it tasted just like Pixie Stix. I had to get the shotafter a night out at a bar, and I saw this chick, and she was wearing one of those Abercrombie and Fitch shirts.

Have you ever seen the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog? That’s about the closest thing to child pornography you could get legally. Pornography is disgusting. More disgusting even than my grandma’s feet. She has all these corns and bunions and stuff. I don’t know why they call them corns, really. Do you get them from eating a lot of corn? My mom really likes corn. She eats creamed corn, and corn on the cob. She really like corn on the cob on the barbeque, like we had at the last family reunion, but I coldn’t eat much because the Ritalin makes my mouth teeth fall out.

My sister beat my aunt in the horseshoe competition we always have; or should it be had? The conjugation of the english word “lay” always confused me. I was at a website once and they had the conjugation for like shakespearean english, ‘He layest up on brow whilst I passeth darts unto the christmas tree’. My aunt beat my sister at darts at our Christmas get-together. I love Christmas. Especially when there’s snow on the ground, because then you can make asnowman and snowballs and have a snowball fight. When we were kids, we used to have snowball fights, and my cousin got hit right in the eye with one. He had to wear an eyepatch for a couple of weeks. We called him a pirate. Did you see that movie “Pirates of the Carribean”? That was pretty cool. Johnny Depp was awesome. I really liked him in Edward Scissorhands, too. That movie also had that pretty Winona Ryder chick who stole all those sweaters that one time. You’d think rich people wouldn’t have to steal. The pharmacy didn’t have my Ritalin prescription filled on time. Or maybe they told me the correct time and I went there a day early; since I lost my Palm Pilot, it’s been hard to keep track of anything…

My uncle, not the one that was killed, is kinda rich. I think he steals cable TV, though. They have commercials on TV talking about how that’s stealing, but it’s not like robbing a bank. The bank has a lot of security cameras and stuff like that. I like to make faces at the cameras sometimes. This one time, I went into the bank and stole a pen. It had one of those foam grips on it. I gave it to my grandma because she also has arthritis, and they don’t hurt her hands so much. One time I hurt my hand when I cut it with a razor. I dont know why I even have a razor, because I don’t shave. I shave my dog about once a month, though, when his fur gets long. That pisses him off. You know what pisses me off? Midgets. They’re so short. Wee Man’s a midget, but he’s cool because he skateboards. I tried skateboarding one time and I hated it. When I was a little kid I used to really hate raisins. Did you know that the French word for grape is raisin? So what do they call raisins… Anyways, grapes are my favorite fruit… I like grape ice cream too. Speaking of grapes, have you ever seen a sumo wrestler?

Anyway, what was I saying?

Oh, yeah. ADD is really bad.

Yeah, ADD is… Hmmm….. Two… Three… Four… Fi–… BLARGL

There are 120 TILES in my wall! COOL! Wow, cool I love Nintendo. SONIC SONIC SONIC SONIC SONIC. That was my moment of ADD. And now on to the introduction. Wait- wasn’t that the introduction?

Contents

[hide]

Occurrence

If you’re trying to read this article while looking at this picture, you probably have ADD. No, I don’t! I just paused long enough to write this retort! Ha, their a winged shoe in the lower middle of the picture.

The ADD virus has been found to occur in the third and one third trimester of pregnancy. At this point the unborn fetus gets kidnapped by ninjas and taken to the nearest Best Buy where it is forced to act out 20 different television shows at once. This sometimes burns the retinas of the child and any unprotected skin they have and causes a miscarriage, but when it is successful the baby is then found to have a severe case of ADD.

In neighborhoods where there are nuclear reactors, ADHD is also much more common. This is probably due to having extra eyes and possibly heads that might distract the local residents, not to mention others.

Diagnosis

Typical doctor adderall.gif

In order for the ADD virus to be diagnosed, an annual checkup with your proctologist is recommended. Several tests will be administered including the cloud test, in which the patient is given a book and a picture of a cloud. If they try to look at the cloud while reading the book, he or she is usually diagnosed with ADD. Alternatively, if they don’t look at the cloud, they are almost always diagnosed with Autism. We thought my father had ADD, but he was really in love with the lawnmower. We had a riding lawnmower. I once changed the spark plugs on it, which was difficult because it was an electric lawnmower. I also have an electric razor. And one of those razor cell phones. But I dropped my Moto Razor in a pond. It scared the fish. I like to fish. I caught a sting ray once on accident in the ocean. The Gulf of Mexico has the best beach area, but the Pacific ocean has better waves. Unless there’s a hurricane. I went surfing in a hurricane once. My mom was so pissed. She gets mad about a lot of stuff like when I started singing that Beetlejuice Dayo song during mass when we were supposed to be singing In Excelcis Deo. Deo means God. God seems like a pretty decent Being. Sometimes I think about being a rocketship. When I was little I wanted to be an airplane. My college doesn’t offer any majors in becoming an airplane though. Just boring stuff like English. My English professor likes science fiction and comic books. I have a lot of comic books. Spider-Man is my favorite. I thought I was a superhero once. Turned out I couldn’t fly and broke my arm. But I got this really nifty cast, so that’s okay.

What were we talking about? Hey look, a chicken!

Suggested Cure

High-speed motorcycle riding without wearing a helmet is a proven method for curing ADD or ADHD. One can also play the Nintendo Wii and enjoy it. SONIC. MY favorite character. For some strange reason, people who have ADD tend to like Nintendo. I don’t know why. When I read this article, it said. Well, I don’t have ADD so how should I know. I have ADHD. Just kidding. Well, back to playing SONIC UNLEASHED again. CHAOS CONTROL. POWER OFF.

PETA

PETA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of ADD victims, is a worldwide organization that struggles to help victims of the ADD virus. While many simply throw the ADD children in the river hoping to rid themselves of their newborn burden, PETA takes in these children and raises them as their own. There are also rumors of a false PETA organization (see PETA) that concern themselves with eating animals. I like animals. Especially cats. Cats are nice. My friend had a cat once. It always got into fights. I got in a fight once. It was in fourth grade and I lost. I had to go to the hospital. The doctor said my arm was broken. The cast was too hot, like burned toast. Anyway, it’s a well known fact that the PETA is a bunch of loonies and should be ignored. I don’t like being ignored. It makes me feel sad. Like one time at the zoo, a monkey threw its shit at my brother, but I wanted it to throw the shit at me because I was throwing rocks at it. I like to skip rocks on a lake, but I don’t like to swim in a lake because there are leeches and tiny evil fish in lakes. What was I saying? Oh yeah, the PETA sucks.

ADD in history

First Case

Worldwide distribution of ADD infected animals 1998

The first recorded case of ADD was in A.D. 2101 when war was beginning. However, in a massive time warp caused by the interference of two black holes, the sufferers of ADD were sent back to B.C. 2724 to spread the virus.

The Bubonic Plague

It is a well-known fact that all throughout history, children who have been found to have ADD were often left on the streets to die. When a Portuguese baby infected with ADD was abandoned in a merchant vessel in the mid 14th century, the virus quickly spread to the rats on the ship. When the ship landed in England, the infected rats ran off into the streets of all of Europe and the ADD virus quickly spread.

Chaos and confusion was rampant as the ADD virus (known as the Bubonic Plague in this time period) tore through the streets. When good people could no longer focus on their chores for the day, they became insane and sick with madness. It is estimated that more than 200 million victims perished like dogs from this horrible virus.

Types of A.D.D.

WOW A.D.D.

WOW A.D.D., or World of Warcraft Attention Deficit Disorder, is a horrid condition that affects millions worldwide. Symptoms involve creating mass amounts of characters on a single World of Warcraft server with a new character every week. This usually leads to never obtaining a character past level 20, and often resorting to creating dozens of rogue characters on both the alliance and the horde. The results of this condition 97% of the time lead to heart attack and stroke, while the other 18% mysteriously vanish into obscurity as they realize they have disrupted the space-time continuity by adding up to 115%.

WoW A.D.D

WoW A.D.D., or Willy on Wheels Attention Deficit Disorder, is when someone tries to edit Wikipedia or use it for their school project and then starts moving pages around because they’re bored and start looking at swords. Swords are pretty cool. One time, my dad was gonna get me a sword, but then eBay like blew up. eBay is kind of like iPods. iPods are evil. Evil’s pretty cool and all those guys have black suits and armor and stuff like that. But nobody wears armor anymore and nobody knows whether it’s “armor” or “armour”. People with armor usually have swords, too. Some people look at swords on Wikipedia when they’re trying to do their school work.

Note

If you read this whole article, congratulations! Now, did you scroll down to the bottom of the page without reading the article? You did? Well, you probably don’t have ADD. I do have ADHD and it sucks. People say I talk too much. I don’t understand why though… I like Nintendo a lot. I beat Super Mario like fifty gazillion times. That’s a really big number. Bigger than a googol which is a 1 with a lot of 0′s after it. IT was a really cool Stephen King movie. There was this Clown. I was a clown for halloween in 5th grade. Halloween is a cool holiday that involves lots of toilet papering, smashing pumpkins, and eating lots of candy while getting yelled at by your parents if they catch you. Can’t catch me. I’m really super fast. I can do a mile in like 5 minutes. I can hold my breath for 2 minutes almost underwater! I love swimming. I like to stay underwater and pretend I am a dolphin. Dolphins are cool. Their only work is to do tricks for fish. What an awesome job! I should be doing work. I have this cool job. I forget what I do, but it’s super cool! What was your name again? Penguins are cool. So are the B-52s. Rock lobster, anyone? That wouldn’t hold up in court, no sir, it would not. What wouldn’t you do for a klondike bar? I wouldn’t do a penguin. No, I take that back, I would do a penguin, regardless of whether or not a klondike bar were being offered. You know, I have really really minty breath. It’s like that time when I played paintball, and I shot this guy in the face, but he hit me with an axe. Axes hurt you know. But not as much as those things, you know, those things. The things that you get poked with and it burns. Like fire. Fire is hot. Pamela Anderson is pretty hot too. Oh look, a chair! It’s made of wood. Like trees. I climbed a tree once. I died, but I got better. It must’ve been because I got distracted whilst climbing, but it’s not as if I have ADD or anything. ADD is bad. You get all distracted and sidetracked all the tim-KITTY! Kitty kitty kitty! It’s a Kitty and it’s shiny,like a sword. I have a sword, it’s cool and I can swing it around and be like the cool kids and I’d cut down that damn tree and then I’ll climb another one, those leaves look tasty so I might eat some, you know California has nice beaches, I should go there.

Important Things To Remember About ADD -It affects thousands of people -Cats attack those with ADD -Cats are assholes -People with ADD will end up being happy about it and scream something like “HEY! Look at me! I am mental!”

Quotes about ADD

“We’ll fight them on the beaches, we’ll … hang on, did I just say beaches? YAY! I haven’t been to the seaside in ages. I’m going to get my swimming trunks!”

“Help cure ADD today and donate either a steel boot or hammer to the ADD Group of American!”

~ Spencer Johnson on ADD

“They say I have ADD, but I don’t… Oh look! A bunny!”

You on ADD

“Damn the torpedos!! Full spee… whoa, look, a cloud!!!”

David Farragut on ADD

“Let’s go ride bikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Attention whore on ADD

“Could you repeat the Question? I wasn’t paying… ooh – a squirrel!”

~ Someone with ADHD

“A Person with ADHD could kick the living shit out of someone with ADHD.”

~ Wikibomber on ADD

“DATA!! Prepare to engage for warp spee… did that star just wink at me??”

~ Captain Picard on ADD

“like this page is about potatos no jk stfu its about the darkness of a rainbow but that isnt read like me or am i does that blow your mind like dinomite fishing of that starwars is the best thing ever unnot made or they say dont stare at the magneziue but its so pritty but its mean and burns like the sun son if you say that noone knows what your talking about cause its the same one of the is hot like this girl in my class ass is in that word she has one of those but your all jellous of my ps3”

me on what??

“Ok so one day I saw these hot girls in this bus, O, O, O, I was in a bus one time and a guy had this bird, are chickens birds?, I had a bad batch of chiken fingers at McDonlads one time, I think Burger King is better than McDonalds, so these hot girls on the bus wen’t to Burger King, or BK Lounge.”

Me on ADD you know I think people with ADD are fun, Disneyland isn’t really that fun, I was at Disneyland and I got this stuffed animal.. I don’t like turkey…..

Not to be mistaken with

Yeah, that figures. Glenn Beck is a real politico nutcase.

LOOK OUT!
This article is complete, irredeemable neurotoxin. The submitter is Bat Fuck Insane, cogitates at the zit, and is an unfunny arseface.
If you attempt to putrefy this, you will most gently putrefy Bat Fuck Insane yourself.
Or the submitter will putrefy your neurotoxin!!!!!!