Thanks to Mark Lowry see more of his humor here
10 rules of housekeeping…
- “Vacuuming too often will weaken the carpet fibers.” Say this with a serious face and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
- Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
- Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply say, “What? And spoil the mood?”
- Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
- If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love for you to see our den but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”
- If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place an urn on the coffee table and insist that, “THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes…”
- Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Johnny did this when he was two. I haven’t had the heart to clean it…”
- In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
- Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch ‘The Galapagos Islands’ and claim an ecological exemption.
- Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean and I still don’t get anywhere…”