Please visit this great blog for more funny posts like this:
I’ve tried to refrain from saying much about my job on my blog…you know for professional reasons. But just like I need to write about my children to keep from stabbing their eyes out sometimes, I NEED to write about the insanity that goes on in this place…so I don’t accidentally drop rat poison in the coffee pot or slit someones throat walking down the hall. Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful for my job and for the most part, I enjoy what I do. Just like at home, this family is full of dysfunction.
I work with my sister, but she’s obviously out on maternity leave. So that just leaves me and a washed up princess in the office, most of the time. I’ve been here for 12 years, so I know how it works…but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t drive me batty sometimes. I must vent…NOW!!!
Monday at 11:25am, I get a text that says “I’ll be there later. I was up all night with a stomach thing and I still feel bad. Gonna lay down a little longer.” No, that’s not a typo…it was 11:25am!! See, she’s the self-titled ”VP of Sales” but she doesn’t grace us with her presence until usually 11:30ish. However, allow me to translate that text for you. What she really meant was “I’m still drunk from last night. I smoked 3 packs of cigarettes and I feel like I’ve been licking newspapers. I forgot to take my dog out last night and he shit all over my house.” She finally called around 2pm to let me know she was just gonna stay home because she still didn’t feel good. Here’s where I’m torn…am I happy because I’ve narrowly escaped having to hear her whine about EVERYTHING for the rest of the day? Or am I pissed because yet again, she’s not earning her paycheck and forcing me to skip lunch because nobody’s here to answer the phone? Bet you thought I was gonna say I was torn about feeling sorry for her ass!!! WRONG!!!
Then I finally tear the month of May off of my calendar…and I see in GIANT RED letters WUP Hair Appt. @ 1:15 on Tuesday. Are you effing kidding me? She’s called out with a hangover today….and she’s gonna come in here long enough to put on her make-up and feed her dog (yes, those are things she should be doing before she comes to work at 11:30) before she has to leave again. Guess I’m skipping lunch AGAIN!!!
The best part about doing the jobs of 4 people is your day FLIES by. Tuesday I was slammed!! I’m talking…running down the hall with sweat stinging my eyes, multi-tasking like a ROCKSTAR!!! When I’m about to turn the corner, I’m stopped by the insurance salesman that had called last week. Here’s our conversation (from last week):
Asshat: I Ms. Disaster, My name is Asshat. Last time we spoke, you had said that all of your health insurance needs were handled by a friend of yours that is a broker.
Me: Yep, she’s still my friend and she’s still my broker. (Thinking to myself: If you take such good notes WTF are you wasting my time AGAIN?)
Asshat: Well since we last spoke, we’ve added quite a few new services and money saving tools to our program. I’ve got an appointment right around the corner from you next week. If you’ve got 5 minutes to spare, I’d love to just drop off some information.
Me: I really don’t have 5 minutes right now. I’m really not interested in changing anything either, but if you want to just drop off your info and leave at the front desk…I’ll be happy to stick in my file, just in case something changes down the road.
Asshat: Okay. Thank you and have a blessed day. (Just because you blessed my day…does NOT mean that you’re gonna get my business)
Fast forward back to yesterday morning, me panting and obviously training for a marathon. In walks Asshat. SHIT!!! Here’s our conversation:
Asshat: Hi, I’m looking for Ms. Disaster.
Me: That’s me.
Asshat: I’m Asshat from HRus. I’ll only take up a few minutes of your time….(I cut him off)
Me: As you can see, I’m really busy here. I don’t have a few minutes to spare right now. If you want to leave a packet up front…(he cuts me off and tries to breeze into his sales spiel)
Asshat: Okay, well this is a brochure about our company, blah blah blah….(I cut him off as I’m trying to herd him towards the door)
Me: I’ll take a look at it when I have time and I’ll give you a call if I have any questions.
Can you guess where his packet of information is now?
Then today, I FINALLY got to take a lunch break!!! Of course, I’m broke trying to save money…so I brought my lunch and so I’m not tempted to spend money I don’t have, I sit in the empty spare office and read my book. I do this a lot…I’m not sure why though, because it never fails. At least one person ALWAYS comes in and wants to ask me a question about work or what I’m reading or they just stand outside the door and talk really loud to each other…making it near impossible for my ADHD brain to focus on what I’m reading. DAMN YOU PEOPLE!!! Can’t you see I’m NOT at my DESK!?!?!
All I can say is I can’t wait to get a full paycheck for the first time in 4 years!!! Our hours have been cut for so long, I don’t honestly remember the last time I got a check for 8o hours. So even though I’m slammed, fighting my boss over the thermostat and missing my Fridays OFF…I’m gonna take a deep breath, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system and finish the rest of my day being thankful that I have a job.